Speaking With More Than Your Words...

This post has been brought to you by The Home Depot and Skrillex.

I'm in deep in the midst of remodeling my spare bedroom.  Currently, this room serves as my home-office, but it will soon become my home-office/man-cave/audio-recording studio... So, here I am on blogger, literally waiting for paint to dry, and distracting myself from the obvious need to CLEAN.

So... Much... Mess...

So far, I've painted the back wall black (the tape marks indicate where the sound deadening panels and decoration will go), framed and began installing drywall in the opening between my office and the living room (the drywall will be finished when the door is installed), built my desk (if you can see it beneath the mess), and wall mounted a TV.

2 coats of Behr Paint and Primer...
I'm glad that I spent the extra
$10 to get Behr instead of Glidden

Progress is being made, but I cannot help wishing everything was finished.  Side note: when a furniture company says that your brand new couch will be delivered on XYZ date... don't believe them... they LIE.

First time framing a wall...
I impressed myself.

Without further adieu, here's my post on body language!

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Spoken language is not a genetic trait.  If it was, then we would all speak one language, instead of the more-than 5,000 languages currently being spoken today around the world.  Basic body language appears to be inborn, as seen in deaf-and-blind children, who use the same gestures for "yes", "no", happiness, etc (Eibl-Eibesfeldt).  Albert Mehrabian found that 7% of our message is verbal, 38% vocal (tone of voice), and 55% non-verbal.  By comparison, imagine the frustration you would experience if your parents wire-transferred $1,000 to you, and only $450 ended up in your bank account.  Because of the mind-body connection, even if you feel a certain, by simply acting in congruence with the desired emotion, you will begin to feel the new, desired state.  A person that feels small and self-conscious can begin to feel confident by simply acting confident... like the age-old phrase, "act as if..."

While the amount of information that could be provided about body language is epic (Allan and Barbara Pease's wonderful book, The Definitive Book of Body Language, is very concise and still manages to be 379 pages in length), I want to focus on a few pieces of body language that can be easily implemented, to great effect, in typical conversational situations.

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Open/Closed Gestures

In a conversation, it is easy to notice how receptive your listener is by simply looking at their arms.  Are their arms crossed, or wide open?  Arms crossed over the chest indicates that the listener is expecting an attack and is attempting to cover their vital organs.  While a full-frontal attack is slightly less common in this day-and-age, folded arms indicates that the listener is in a negative mental state and is likely not receptive to what you have to say.

What a lovely conversation they
AREN'T having

Leaving our arms open will allow our conversation-partner to believe that we are open-minded, thoughtful listeners.  Recognizing the closed-arm gesture in others will allow us to determine the effectiveness of our current conversation so that we may change topics or ask if there is a disagreement.

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Interest/Disinterest

In these 2 pictures, both women are in similar situations, displaying similar body language, but saying vastly different things.

The woman on the left appears very attentive, interested and engaged.  The woman to the right, however, looks as if she would rather be jump-roping with rattlesnakes than in her current conversation.

The key difference is head support.  If the listener's hand is supporting the weight of her head, such as the woman to the right, she is slowly dying of boredom.  On the other hand (all pun intended), if the hand is touching the face, with the head being self-supported, the listener is actively engaged in the conversation.  Using this technique in a real life situation can be aided with a slight head tilt.

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Mirroring Emotions

Probably the most difficult of all body language adjustments is mirroring.  Mirroring is when a person mimics the body language of another person and happens when two people have built a strong rapport.  This is easily seen with couples that have been together for a long period of time:  they will often smile, laugh and emote in the same way.  Mirroring likely comes from infancy, when our mothers would mirror our emotional states with their facial expression.

When listening to his patients describe the traumas of their past on his show, Celebrity Rehab, Dr. Drew is frequently seen making his signature sad face.  In a therapist-patient relationship, building rapport is an important part of treatment, and mirroring the inner emotions of the patient will elicit trust that the therapist empathizes with the emotions.

We can do the same thing, as well.  We've all had to play the part of a therapist for our friends or family members at some point, and we will have to in the future.  Displaying sadness, amusement, shock and happiness during the key moments of an emotional story will show the speaker how attentive and caring we are.

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"When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first." - Ralph Waldo Emerson